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no one ever really wants advice. they just want validation for what they were going to do anyway. no matter how much they complain, or how much their choices aren't working, they won't change until they want to. and it sounds brutal, but offering help that eases their situation often prevents them from getting to the point of wanting to make better choices, so except for dire emergencies, i'm not going to do it anymore.


( 13 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 31st, 2007 06:20 pm (UTC)

Yeah, I've found it's better to wait to be asked. I'm not shy about telling people what I think, but I'm pretty reticent about just saying "you should...".

I often try to take people's advice with a grain of salt, and realize that they care enough about me to want to try to help me improve my life. Even if it doesn't fit *me*, it's nice of them to offer it.
Jan. 31st, 2007 08:02 pm (UTC)
I take advice really well when I ask for it, because I really want it, regardless of whether it pisses me off (I've learned to make a conscious effort to get past any initial anger).

But there are definite moments when I'm just plain ol' pissy about advice, and yeah, I won't listen, and I'll be damn stubborn and forge ahead with my initial impulses.

But I think, at least for me, that even if I get advice I don't want to hear, it eventually works its way through my subconscious to help me learn, grow, find a new perspective, whatever.

Sometimes it even makes it to conscious awareness and thinking about how I SHOULD change my behaviors. Not that I'm promising it will happen with your particular situation...hugs for that!

Jan. 31st, 2007 08:31 pm (UTC)
you're a mature and self-aware person! i'm not surprised that you eventually get something out of advice even when you don't initially like it. what gets to me is when people will complain and complain about how things aren't working for them, but then they just want people to make them feel better about continuing to do the same things. i probably wouldn't make a good psychologist, due to my lack of patience with that sort of behavior.
Jan. 31st, 2007 09:28 pm (UTC)
a GOOD psychologist would never offer advice, they would simply lead you to a place where you could find it for yourself.when I was a therapist and was faced with someone like this I would employ the " hand under chin, nod and Hummm" technique
Jan. 31st, 2007 09:38 pm (UTC)
like i said: me not good shrink. i can nod and mmm-hmm for a while, but when someone's been repeating the same actions and saying "why o why is my life so terrible?" for a year or more, i begin to feel that they need a kick in the ass, figuratively at least.
Feb. 1st, 2007 12:46 am (UTC)

So provide me with a kick! ;-D
Feb. 1st, 2007 01:19 am (UTC)
i have a whole list of people who need kicks, apparently unbeknownst to them. not all local people, thankfully...
Feb. 1st, 2007 01:25 am (UTC)


Well, that's good -- at least you're not *entirely* surrounded by whiny no-hopers.
Feb. 1st, 2007 02:54 am (UTC)
Eep! I hope I'm not one...

*hugs* (I've been on both sides of what you're talking about, and doubt I ever handled it as gracefully as you seem to be doing.)
Feb. 1st, 2007 02:18 pm (UTC)
no, definitely not you! you're one of the most personal-responsibility-oriented people i know, and i thoroughly respect that.
Feb. 1st, 2007 11:46 pm (UTC)
It sounds like the person THINKS they want advice, but what they really want is sympathy, hand-holding, and to be told it's not really their fault (absolution from responsibility).

The process of a) being AWARE there is a problem/limitation b) ACKNOWLEDGING whatever personal responsibility exists c) WANTING to change the situation d) ACTING to change it

can be a long, arduous one, and not everyone is up for the challenge. (And it can be really hard to judge for any particular person whether that "failure" to go through the entire process is innate, learned, or due to current stressors.)

I get frustrated too when I can't seem to encourage/help someone solve their problems, but I try to remember that it's really not my responsibility.

Fixing my own problems is, and heck, I get stalled all the time at "ACTING". :D
Jan. 31st, 2007 10:04 pm (UTC)
for what its worth I like getting advise. As long as I can feel like it is comming from a genuine place and it has some form of logic behind it.
Feb. 1st, 2007 12:14 am (UTC)
Advice is good. It is an outside point of veiw... But unless someone actually wants to hear the 13 aspects of a situation as I see it, any advice is as I said, an outside point of view.

I have changed how I do things and the monkeys keep pulling me back. It is just one big social engineering lab for some perverted demigod, I'm sure.
( 13 comments — Leave a comment )

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